Fours maintain their identity by seeing themselves as fundamentally different from others. They often see themselves as uniquely talented, possessing special, one-of-a-kind gifts, but also as uniquely disadvantaged or flawed. More than any other type, Fours are focused on and acutely aware of their personal differences and deficiencies.

Healthy Fours are honest with themselves: they own all of their feelings and can look at their motivations, contradictions and emotional conflicts without denying them. They are not afraid to see themselves warts and all or show themselves to others, even if they don’t like what they see. Healthy Fours are willing to reveal things about themselves that are highly personal or shameful as they want to understand the truth of their experience. This ability enables Fours to endure suffering and dark times with quiet strength - they can endure and process painful experience that might overwhelm others.

Fours typically report that they feel something missing in themselves, although they can’t put a finger on what it is. In truth, Fours are unsure about aspects of their self image. They feel they lack a clear and stable identity, particularly a social persona that they feel comfortable with.

While on the one hand feeling different from others, on the other they don’t truly want to be alone. Despite feelings of social awkwardness and self consciousness, they want to connect with people who understand them and their feelings. They long for someone to come into their lives who will appreciate the secret self they have nurtured and hidden from the world. They are the romantics of the Enneagram. If that validation doesn’t come, they begin to build their identity around how unlike everyone else they are. The outsider thus becomes an insistent individualist, finding comfort in doing things on her own, in her own way, on her own terms, while secretly wishing for the ease and confidence that others seem to have. Their mantra becomes “I am myself. Nobody understands me. I am different and special.”

Fours typically have problems with a negative self image and chronically low self esteem. They compensate for this by creating a Fantasy Self – an idealised self image that is built up primarily in their imaginations. When that self image doesn’t meet up with the reality of their experience, it can be a source of deep shame.

Over the years Fours may try on a range of different identities depending on what they find attractive in others. But they will still feel uncertain about who they are. The problem is that they base their identity largely on their feelings which, as a result of human nature, are dynamic and always shifting. Trying to create an identity on feelings causes them to accept some feelings while rejecting others. Then, by holding onto certain moods and feelings, Fours believe they are being true to themselves.

One of the biggest challenges for the Four is to let go of the feelings of the past: old wounds and negative feelings about those who have hurt them. Fours can become so attached to longing and disappointment that they are unable to recognise the many treasures in their lives.

By identifying as a suffering victim, Fours trap themselves. To recognise and enjoy their many good qualities they need to let go of that identity, thereby triggering their basic fear of being without a consistent personal identity. To break this deadlock, Fours must stop telling themselves their old tales: what once was, is irrelevant to who they are now.

Fours are the deep sea divers of the psyche – they delve into the inner world of the human soul and report back on what they find. They communicate the subtle truths of being human in ways that are profound, beautiful and affecting. Because of their attunement to their inner states, they are normally highly intuitive, a state that produces self discovery and creativity. All styles can be creative, but the Four’s creativity is fundamentally autobiographical.

Healthy Fours engage with reality through meaningful action, coming more into contact with the immediacy of their instincts and less entranced by the emotionally charged scenarios that play out in their minds. As they move to One they realise that self expression does not mean indulging in their moods. They willingly become self disciplined, work consistently to contribute something worthwhile to the world. They cease being aloof bystanders waiting to be recognised and instead participate fully in life, developing a stronger sense of themselves through their work and connections with others. As they do Fours are able to build a lasting genuine sense of identity based on real life actions and relationships and (like healthy Ones) accept their reality, including who they are. This opens up an awareness of their many strengths and a never ending source of creativity and transformation.

How to Recognise a Four

Fours are quite easy to recognise because they stand out from the crowd. They can do this in a number of ways. They may speak differently from others, perhaps with a strong accent or dialect or unique style. They are likely to dress a bit differently from others; if the rest are casual, they will be smart; if the rest are smart, they will add a distinguishing touch such as a bow tie or black lipstick. In any group, Fours are the vegetarians, the outsiders, the ones with different beliefs and habits. Fours are self-contained. While they long for the love and attention of others, they are more attracted to the feeling of longing than to actually obtaining anything. Fours don’t feel as if they belong to the here-and-now: they prefer the thought of a more romantic, exciting and deeply-felt life somewhere else.

Others may experience Fours as explosive, intense and moody but at their best they are deeply feeling of the pain and suffering of other people.

The Four at Work

Fours don’t fit into teams and often don’t particularly want to. Fitting in means compromising their individuality which makes them who they are. This can spell trouble to a work-based team. When others want to move on, Fours will find a sticking point; when others want to make a decision, Fours want to talk some more. It is tempting to play the Four’s own game and suggest the opposite of what you really want! Fours come into their own when the team needs a measure of creative thinking or individual work. Fours have insights into depths of emotions others can only guess at and they are quite prepared to take risks in the knowledge that even the risk of failure can heighten their emotional temperature.

To discover the Fours on your team, ask yourself: “Who always swims against the tide?”; “Who likes to be different?” and “Who tends to do their own thing regardless of what others think?”

Working with a Four

They might say … “If we had x, y or z, it would be so much better” often appearing aloof or stand offish, acting in an apparently mysterious or dramatic way as they withdraw into their own idealistic inner world.

They get stressed by …

People and experiences not living up to desired ideals or intensity, wanting more than is available, envying what others have, unmanageable feelings especially in emotional crises.

They get angry because of …

People who disappoint them or let them down or leave them, being slighted, rejection, being abandoned, feeling misunderstood, people who are phoney, insincerity.

Get along with them by …

Disclose your own feelings, ensure they have a position where they can be fully creative, where possible allow them to do things their way, recognise and value their sensitivity.